GO! Re-Write the Bible!
July 3rd, 2008 by mike
I’m doing an interview with the world’s longest running literary agency AP Watt at moment. Here’s a sneek:
Can you tell me about some of the more bizarre submissions you have received?
You get all kinds of things – from someone re-writing the bible and claiming it’s all about UFOs, to a million Harry Potter and Dan Brown copycats. And, of course, there are the deluded many who are convinced they are undiscovered geniuses. It’s a bit like The X Factor auditions on paper sometimes: painful, embarrassing, and very wrong.
Heh heh. So if the bible really was rewritten today what do you think it would say?
Here’s one from Spike Milligan:
In the beginning God created the Heaven and the earth.
And God said, let there be lights in heaven to give light to the earth, and it was so, except over England where there was heavy cloud and snow on high ground.
See I gave up on writin books me I did. Couldn’t not think ov wot to says like. Only my David, he reckons like that its dead easy writin books an he is in the shed right now workin on is latest invention he is.
No, it ain’t not a book, it’s a machine wot writes books it is!
Listen right, see wots you does is like you av to enter some info in these clever little boxes on the machine, you knows, stuff like ‘Genre’ an ‘Age group’ an ‘Subject matter’ an ‘Ow many twists an turns in the plot’ an ‘Fact or fiction’ an ‘Ow many rent boys’ an that an all, like.
Then you pushes this button, an ere comes the clever bit, an dependin on ow many words like wot you wants, out comes a book in under 10 minutes it does!
Guaranteed best seller it is!
See I’m not sure whether to give up me song singin career now, or whether we would makes more money sellin the machines, or makes more of that loverly dosh sellin them books wot the machine writes, I ain’t not!
Wot does youz fink Mike, you bein a professional an all, we wouldst like really appreciates your advice we would!
Would you like me to speak to Juliet from AP Watt? She said in the interview:
I’m on the lookout for a really sharp, funny novel at the moment. And I enjoy narrative non-fiction but it has to read very accessibly. I’m open to most ideas – if something sounds interesting and is well-written, then I’ll read it regardless of what genre it may fit into.
You could be in with a chance there Elton - let me know - O and I’ll have a 10% introductory fee please
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10%? DONE!!!!!!!!
You knows what Mike? That’s 90% for me that is, an I likes deals like that. See I once offered 20% to that TaylorBlue (me keepin 80% of all profits generated) for an interview an like she wouldn’t not do it! Can you likes believe it! An she is like supposed to do celeb interviews all the time see she is!
An then like I offered that Lib the same deal to be like my manager an she didn’t not take me up. But like that Lib, she’s a professional she is, she’s like got a full time job an everyfin she as.
Wears a suit to work she does.
Stick with me mate - don’t bother yourself with time wasters!
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Who are you calling a time waster?
There’s a lot going on behind the scenes Mike.
Repairing a so far irrepaireble public image has been the hardest part (I tried to write a song about it but it seems that Elt already did that about ‘Sorry’) but to start with, I’ve secured him a bit part in Guy Ritchie’s new movie. Admittedly its one line but ‘You’re gaaaaan daaaaaaaann!’ has immense potential in it’s delivery impact.
That’s all it took De Niro.
He’s also playing a patient in Holby City (hoping to get this sponsored by Daewoo, with a strap line along the lines of ‘Elton’s gearstick of choice’) and he’s got a 2 minute slot in Eastenders for Phil Mitchells b’day party at the ol’ Joanna singing ‘The bitch is back’. Shortly before he gets layed out by said Phil Mitchell.
There’s other stuff I can’t talk about but time wasting I am not Mike.
elton john has ‘a 2 minute slot in eastenders’
so the ross kemp rumours are true then?
Well, to me, as a Christian, I would not re-write it. However, my favorite translation is into the Hawaiian slang dialect Pidgin. If you know it, it is funny. Well, they did a translation into Pidgin. One written and one audio. We thought that would be perfect for my mother-in-law because that’s what she speaks all the time with a little bit of English and Japanese…boy, did I have a hard time understanding her when I met her. I kept looking to my husband to translate.
Well, we gave her the tape. She is blind, so the book would not have helped. Anyway, Pidgin is meant to be spoken. She kept saying that she doesn’t understand Pidgin and that she did not need it. We finally were able to play the cassette and she starts laughing saying, “I get every word.” See, she does speak pidgin and now has a portion in of the Bible in it.
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This is what pidgin sounds like Pigeons speaking pidgin.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=TZTqXWVfQ8I
This is a sample from the dictionary of Da Jesus Book that we gave to my in-laws.
Athens: one big town inside Greece. Paul wen tell da teacha guys dea bout Jesus.
awesome kine stuff fo show someting: Jesus wen do plenny awesome stuff dat show who him. He wen make da sick peopo come good, an da peopo dat no can see, so dey can see. English “miracle, sign.”
bad kine stuff da body like do: peopo inside dis world, dey tink dea own way. Dey no tink bout God, but ony like do tings how dey like. Dey listen to dea own body but dey no listen to God. English “flesh, worldly.”
church: da peopo inside one town come togedda fo pray an read da Bible cuz dey Christ’s peopo. Da Jewish peopo, dey come togedda every week Saturday too, jalike one church. Da Christian peopo dat come togedda fo pray, an da place wea dey do dat, get English name “church,” but if dey Jewish, get English name “synagogue.”
guys Jesus wen teach: wen Jesus was hea on top da earth, had plenny peopo he wen teach. Twelve a dem, dey stay wit him all da time fo three years an learn plenny from him. English “disciples.”
Moses: 400 years da Israel peopo wen live Egypt side. But da Egypt peopo wen make dem slaves. God wen see how bad dey suffa, so God wen send Moses fo take dem outa Egypt. Moses wen write da firs five parts inside “Da Befo Jesus Book” — English call um Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbas, an Deuteronomy, but Pidgin call um Da Start, Outa Egypt, Da Prieses, Da Census, an Da Rules Second Time.
pray: talk to God. Jesus tell, us guys suppose to tell God how we stay inside an aks um fo give us wat we need. We even suppose to aks him fo help da peopo dat stay agains us.
proof fo show wat God goin do fo us bumbye: God go give his kids his Spirit now. Cuz we his kids, he like make shua us guys know he goin give us plenny awesome kine stuff bumbye, wen we go stay wit Him inside da sky. English “guarantee, down payment, seal.”
Excellent!
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Thanks…I wish I could have found a suitable recording or video. Oh, well…this kinda works.
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Welcome back Elton… we nearly sent out a search party for you … lol…
Mike I have seen Spikes Grave…
When God created Man She was only Joking….lololololol
LOL!!! You almost made me spit my coffee out again!!
ClinicallyCluelesss last blog post..What led up to July 4th ~ part II
Thanks AC, bin on me olls again I av! (bin sick too - ugh, enough ov that though)
oh thats too bad … wheres David did he head for the hills when you got crook?
Good post Mike. I think that the Bible has been written again…I’m sure much has gotten lost in translation through the years. But anyone can really get what ever they wish out of it if they are clever enough to read between the lines…lol
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easy one this
The Bible- the greatest selling fictional story ever told.
Buyer beware- this is errant, inaccurate, brutal, abusive nonsense for people who are scared of dying. Its wholy inaccurate. Its chinese whispers. In short its a story put together to keep people in line and subservient. Enjoy.
The Bible: available in the 2 for the price of 3 at the moment.
The other two books being:
Urban Pagan: How I found a beetle in my soup and spent 10 years worshipping it as a diety (Hardback)
and the second:
Urban Pagan: How I squashed the beetle and lived my own damn life. (Softback.)
mikes last blog post..Week 8 Results of Hi Ho Books Away!
ROFLMAO thanks for the funnies Mike and you too UP… hahahahahahahaha………..
why isn’t the bible in the fiction section in bookshops?
Because it is under ‘religion’, which is ancient Aramaic for, ‘flights of fantasy for the easily influenced.’
Good remark there..
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top form as ever TS
Was somewhat heartened to see books on atheism in the religion section of waterstones though!
Any chance the Worlds oldest will consider a World first with GO! Smell the flowers?